Scene: Jesus returns for the holidays. He goes to many holy sites looking for his true followers. Surprisingly he disqualifies almost everyone except Indigenous, Mormons, Unitarians, and a few others from entering the pearly gates of heaven.
A summary of Jesus’s analyses:
Catholics- Protecting pedophiles!?! Man should not lay with child! Who translated this gospel?
Southern Baptist – Stop being racist! Love thy neighbor!
COGIC- Too loud to pray to myself. Angels don’t sound like that. Believe me I know.
Unitarians- Everyone’s getting along. Good social justice progress. My father in heaven would like you.
Jehovas witness – Leave people alone in peace! Preach in my father’s house, at the well, on mount, or while flipping over the money changers tables in disgust only. You need healthier boundaries.
Protestants – Too WASPy and exclusive plus you’re hypocrites.
Amish and Mennonites – House people? Check. Feed people? Check. Not hypocrites? Check. Ok you’re in. You’re living time capsules but there’s no commandment against that.
Orthodoxy – Women are people! Honour and let them speak too. *whispers* Dad would let ya in but mom said a firm no.
Jews – I belong yet have no authority here? Bizarro world.
Indigenous church- *Jesus exits sweatlodge* Actually that is cool y’all can come to heaven. My mom would like you a lot.
Mormons – House people? Check! Feed people? Check! Prepared for the apocalypse? Check! Noah would like you. How did you get cops to stop killing people? I’m impressed. Would ya show Jews how to treat Palestinians please?
Buddhists – So you don’t kill grasshoppers but also don’t feed or house people? Hmm. Let me check back in another 2000 years to see how you improve. The Dali lamas and bohdisattvas can get in though.
Hindus – Only half of these lesser Gods and their followers are getting in the gates. Glad I experienced Diwali this incarnation. That was an experience.
Rastas- Jah Mon! Com to de gates anytime you got good spirits and shit.
Voudou, Santeria and Wiccans – I’m not telling them they can’t do anything or I not might not even get back in!
Muslims – Your prophet and I have an agreement. It may have been written on Satan’s back. Needless to say I’ve little power in your realm. The sacred geometry on your mosques is to die for. That tile is definitely going in my new kitchen…. No Isis or burkhas in heaven! Men have no lascivious thoughts there, so no need for them.
Jesus! Oh myself! Wait. Dont Catholics have control of the gates? Isn’t this some saints job? Peter! Paul! John!
Do I have to die for your sins and do everything around here?
Jesus stops judging and goes back to feeding and healing people, making them see, like Jesus would.
Rioting ensues at the pearly gates, cause ya know, people.