Giraffe, beaver, or moose?


Giraffe, Beaver, or Moose?


After seven months of intense fighting, the beaver has emerged as the final non-human mammal to populate the earth. Despite its diminutive size and somewhat awkward gait, the beaver proved too flexible an opponent for one-trick ponies such as the moose, the giraffe and, indeed, the pony (trick unavailable at press time.)

The rodent’s ability to construct complex amphibious defensive structures flummoxed the moose, who insisted upon enemies entering into open-land single combat. the beaver wisely chose to dam nearby creeks and rivers in order to flood the moose’s habitat. Driven to soggy marshes and mountain territory, the moose became victims of a variety of beaver combat tactics, such as felling trees upon their heads.

The giraffe fought like a fish out of water, or more precisely, like a giraffe out of Africa. Give the lanky foreigner credit, he nearly unseated the beaver on its home turf, but once those teeth started gnawing on the giraffe’s lower legs, it was time for TIMMMMMMBERRRRRR! As often as not, the beaver took out two mammals with one chew, as a toppling giraffe would be aimed at a passing moose. The resulting casualties — not to mention subsequent firefights between the giraffe and moose camps — left the beaver sitting pretty in his damned dam.

It is uncertain whether the beaver intends to turn his beady eyes upon the most nefarious of mammals — humans, naturally — or simply to ride out their endangered species status until global warming has done us in for them.


Jason Kurylo is a human mammal who self-identifies as a sea cucumber. He is the managing editor and lead photographer for puckedinthehead , a sports website, podcast and radio show that purports to occasionally include some factual information. He would sincerely like Adam Sandler to stop making motion pictures.

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