Seasonal Cascadian Migrations


Seasons of Cascadia

The mist begins to lift from both forest and sea. An occasional ray of sunshine peeks over My Rainier. A lenticular cloud hovers over the mountain, freaking out everyone but the locals. Cherry blossoms bloom. It’s the fabled socks and sandals weather complete with vernal rainbows. For the first time in 8 months, skies clear completely, not one cloud showing its face for all of pride week. Perfect weather continues with GEESE! Then 12 straight weeks of drought for canoe journey and festivals is great for recreation, but causes 4 weeks of wildfires at least… so we begin praying for rain? Really? Lovely autumnal rainbows welcome the waters return. Refreshing drops keep dousing flames as we gather around campfires to eat apple and kale salad. HONK….GEESE AGAIN! Then a month of incessant torrential downpour. The salmon return. Think its clear? Dry? No. Black ice! Rain again alternating with freezing fog and what we like to call spit. Freezing rain scatters through those 3 cold weeks with pretty morning frost when it snowed twice and somebody reports a sasquatch sighting on KING5. 1 inch of snow. School closures. Then. Yeah! Our 3 days of Christmas snow came we can go sledding this year! Then. Hurricane force wind storm complete with friendly snow cone hail and free firewood. Next comes floods and mudslides. The rest of the rainy season is mountain snow, valley still effing raining causing moss and mold to grow everywhere followed by you guessed it another straight month of little bitty stinging rain that just never quite completely stops dripping off everything making things moist and damp every freaking where. People wander in a sleepy grey daze holding trays of soy lattes from Starbucks and bottles of vitamin D3. Seasonal affective dementors return for their yearly migration. The squirrels are phased by none of this and always look happy.


Giraffe, beaver, or moose?


Giraffe, Beaver, or Moose?


After seven months of intense fighting, the beaver has emerged as the final non-human mammal to populate the earth. Despite its diminutive size and somewhat awkward gait, the beaver proved too flexible an opponent for one-trick ponies such as the moose, the giraffe and, indeed, the pony (trick unavailable at press time.)

The rodent’s ability to construct complex amphibious defensive structures flummoxed the moose, who insisted upon enemies entering into open-land single combat. the beaver wisely chose to dam nearby creeks and rivers in order to flood the moose’s habitat. Driven to soggy marshes and mountain territory, the moose became victims of a variety of beaver combat tactics, such as felling trees upon their heads.

The giraffe fought like a fish out of water, or more precisely, like a giraffe out of Africa. Give the lanky foreigner credit, he nearly unseated the beaver on its home turf, but once those teeth started gnawing on the giraffe’s lower legs, it was time for TIMMMMMMBERRRRRR! As often as not, the beaver took out two mammals with one chew, as a toppling giraffe would be aimed at a passing moose. The resulting casualties — not to mention subsequent firefights between the giraffe and moose camps — left the beaver sitting pretty in his damned dam.

It is uncertain whether the beaver intends to turn his beady eyes upon the most nefarious of mammals — humans, naturally — or simply to ride out their endangered species status until global warming has done us in for them.


Jason Kurylo is a human mammal who self-identifies as a sea cucumber. He is the managing editor and lead photographer for puckedinthehead , a sports website, podcast and radio show that purports to occasionally include some factual information. He would sincerely like Adam Sandler to stop making motion pictures.

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